Wednesday's Blog

           All I see are the butterflies and trees everywhere. The fragrant flowers that appear like crayons arouse my soul. I see bees and lilies at the far end, yet I find myself lost in the middle of this majestic scene.

I searched to find a glimpse of someone like me who is fascinated with this unbelievable view.  I found myself seeing nothing more but this paradise surrounding me. I walked until my feet felt pain. Still I find nothing but astonishing things I’ve seen upon finding myself here. I tried to shout, wondering if someone would hear me, but there was no reply. I wonder where I am, and my purpose for being here. Yet for the many questions I have asked, I couldn’t answer even the easiest one.

So I started to reminisce about my life back home. My mom? My dad? Where could they be now? All I know is that I lost dad two years ago. I feel so bad because there are things about us that were left unanswered. Losing him is just like a bomb that suddenly exploded. I tried to search real far, yet, not even a glimpse of my family do I see, nor their voices do I hear; the feeling of longing is just too hard to bear. I paused to listen to the sounds around me but it’s only the buzzing of the bees and wind that I hear.

Where could the sound of the busy streets be? Where is my home?  My family?

I miss my life and my three precious angels, Michael, Angel, and Christian. Christian is my husband, we’ve been together for fourteen years, but got married just six years ago. We got married when I was twenty and he was twenty-two. I was studying for my law proper then, and he for his medical degree. I got pregnant a year after and had Michael, he’ll be turning five soon. His little sister Angela will be turning two next month. How I wish I could greet her and give her our gift. Christian and I bought it last Christmas, because it’s her favorite toy and it was on sale. She would always hold it tight each time we went to the store, but we would always tell her that we would buy it next time. I wonder if they’re doing all right? Does their daddy sing them lullabies at night? Michael couldn’t sleep without hearing my bedtime stories.   His sister, Angel would start crying if I don’t lie down beside her during the night.

Now I wish to hear something other than the sounds that the things here make. I wanted to talk to someone just to ask where I am.

I walked and sat under the shade of an apple tree. I stood up to take an apple and took a bite. My stomach is hurting and I’m hungry, I just don’t remember the last time I ate.

I wonder what time it is. It seems like it never gets dark. I wonder how many hours I’ve been here, because it seems like it’s been years since I’ve started to wander here alone.

I hummed my favorite tune, just to ease the boredom. Suddenly I saw a man walking towards me; I wondered where he’s from. As he was approaching questions rushed through my head.  Could he tell me where we are? Could he show the way back home? As he gets closer, more questions enter my mind. I wish that moment that the overflowing questions I’m having do not prevent my thoughts from being said.

And so I waited for his arrival as I couldn’t wait to ask the things that were in my head. As he drew near he smiled. I gathered up my strength and took a deep breath, and give him a smile in reply.

I said “hi”, and asked him his name. He smiled once more and told me that he can’t tell me his name; he said that I knew who he was.

I felt disheartened but continued to ask him, “Could you please tell me where am I?”

He said, “You are beyond heaven’s door, the one in you stories that you tell Michael about.”

Suddenly I remembered days when we walk at the park after Sunday service. Those times when Michael use to say, “Mommy, you said there’s a garden beyond heaven’s door how could there be a garden up in the sky? Do they have soil there?”

My husband and I would just laugh and tell him, “Honey, you would know when you grow older” and my baby boy would just stare up in the sky as we walk.

I was almost drowning deep in my memories when the words, “Baby, aren’t you happy that you are here?”

Oh no, there’s only one person who calls me baby that way. “Dad, is that you?” I wasn’t sure about what I was feeling, nor of what I asked. The thought passed my mind so quickly, that the words were hastily spoken.

He said, “Yes baby, it’s me. I asked God to be with you.”

I knew it was him and I could never be wrong, because it’s only my father who calls me baby as sweet as that. But why? I simply couldn’t understand what he said.

“I heard you cry the night of my burial, you didn’t want anyone to see, but God and I saw you crying.”

I was surprised to have heard what he just said. I hid so hard the night of his burial, not even my husband saw me crying, but the man I was crying over for, heard and witnessed it.

“Dad, do you love me? I know it’s wrong for me to ask, but I have been asking myself this for two years, I guess I just need to hear the answer.”

“Baby, I love you.”

The way he said it just tore my heart. I have heard him say that before when he was still living but was never sure if he meant it. I never felt this feeling when he tells me that he loves me. But now I actually believe with tears in my eyes.

“Dad, could you tell me that you love me once more? I just missed hearing that, and just thought I’d grab the opportunity while I’m still beside you.”

He paused for a few moments and said it once more, “Baby I love you.”

I stood silent for some time, before I finally asked him how he was able to convince God to allow the two of us to meet in such special place; following with the question of how I got there. 

So my  dad replied, “I didn’t need to convince God to let me be with you”, he said. “He just saw that I love you so much and you love me as well. Don’t you know that on Earth you are now in the hospital and the doctors don’t know what’s wrong with you? God made things like that because he knew that it would not be enough for us to be together in your dreams.

“So I am beyond heaven’s door?”

“Yes baby, you are.”

I couldn’t believe that it’s more than what I tell Michael it is. When I get back I could give a better description of what’s beyond heaven’s door. Just then, the thought of Michael and my family bothered me so much.

“When would I see my kids and husband again? Are they alright? How is mom doing? Would I be able to see them again?” I asked my father worriedly.

“You could go back to them by just closing your eyes, and then you’d find yourself back home, just like magic. So, don’t you want to see them now?”

I stopped, and before I knew it tears were starting to blur my vision. I heard my father bid goodbye as he slowly said, “I LOVE YOU BABY.”

I said goodbye and reminded him that I love him too. And before I knew it, I’m in a four-walled room, with a view of  my husband sleeping on the couch. I held his hand and he looked up with tears in his eyes as he said, “you’re awake… Baby I love you.”

He said the magical words with a tone full of love and longing, just like my father did. I hurriedly replied, “I love you too baby.”

The next morning, I was checked out of the hospital. As I sat on a wheelchair while my husband pushes me, I saw Michael, Angel, and my mom at the hospital lobby. I smiled as they ran to embrace me. My kids kissed me and my mom hugged me really tight. We then all went to the car, and drove home.

On the way home Michael asked me, “Mom, what took you so long? We missed you, where have you been?”

I took a deep breath and replied, “Honey, mommy was beyond heaven’s door.”

My husband and mother gave me anxious looks and before they could even say anything, Michael interrupted and excitedly asked, “So mommy, is it beautiful? What did you find there?”

I kept silent and whispered to myself, “It’s beautiful and full of wonder… For I’ve found the missing piece of me by seeing your grandpa beyond heaven’s door.”

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